I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize