Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
