i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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