If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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