Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
