Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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