I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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