I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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