Only a mothe r could love this liver
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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