Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Randomize
