how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
