I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
