i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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