Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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