When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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