I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
