I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I am one with the molecules
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
