My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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