i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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