the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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