i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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