In America we eat man semen.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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