I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
