i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
