I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
