i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
