shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Randomize
