John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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