He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
