so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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