Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
