I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
