Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
