Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
