Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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