You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
