Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
