you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
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