the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
