How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Rumble strips road head = magical
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
