i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
