Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
