wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
