All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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