Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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