if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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