man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
