I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I just googled if crying burns calories
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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