yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
