Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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