Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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