yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
