I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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