hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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