Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
