I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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