i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
