I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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