I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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