the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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