Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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