and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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