i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize