Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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