You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
