I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
