mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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