I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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